When I moved to Los Angeles as a young twenty-something I was ready to take the fashion world by storm. I was smack in the middle of Hollywood and I couldn’t wait to explore it. I always knew dating in Los Angeles would come with a learning curve, but it turned out to be more like a crash course.
During a night out with some friends, I met the Smooth Talker. He was a friend of a friend and he was tall, dark, and handsome with a crooked smile and a sharp tongue. It was a combination I couldn’t help but fall for. After some playful banter, about five many jagerbombs and 10 too many beers, I awoke to the Smooth Talker with his arms around me in my bed. After quickly piecing together the night and realizing I was still “relatively” clothed, thank God, I still couldn’t remember his name. I didn’t have the heart to tell him when he left that I had little to no memory of our night. But as he got my number, he proceeded to tell me that he wanted to get together again that week for a date. If he would have just left with my number, it would have saved me a lot of time, however we wouldn’t have a story now would we. Why is it guys always say, “I’ll call you,” or “I want to take you out,” when they have NO INTENTION of following through? I mean, in this day in age, in Los Angeles, a random hook up isn’t uncommon and is often preferable. But that is neither here nor there. With those words, I instantly got my hopes up and Facebook stalked ferociously to find out the name of my new dream guy. Luckily I eventually found him through our mutual friend who introduced us.
Two weeks later, still no call or text. I had told one of my best girlfriends, we will call her Dillon, about Smooth Talker. She happened to know our mutual friend and brought it up to him. He casually responded, “Oh, he said he wasn’t really that into her.” When my girlfriend relayed this conversation, I of course was a little bummed, but hey, there are other fish in the sea.
Fast forward another few weeks. Said mutual friend, let’s call him Will, brings Smooth Talker with him to my roommate's birthday party. While I was slightly annoyed, I knew I looked good that night and was a few drinks in, so I had some liquid courage. I played it totally aloof and casual, but by the time we were in a cab ride to the after hours party, he was squeezing into the cab next to me and trying to lay on the moves. Again, I brushed his hand off my leg and turned my face when he went in for the kiss. He looked a little shocked, but I remained cool, calm and collected. I couldn’t believe he was being so bold, especially since he apparently was not interested. But I would not let him get the best of me.
While we were at the after hours party, IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS, he started to make comments about how I had never called him, and how he went on an awful OkCupid date, all thanks to me. After the comments continued, I finally had enough. Who did he think he was? Red Flag #1: it is NEVER a girl's responsibility to make the first move or plan the date. EVER. So I pulled him aside and said, “I think we need to have a conversation.” He acted wounded and said I had never called him, he waited around for me and I had never reached out. I incredulously responded, “Will told Dillon that you weren’t into it, so why would I text you?” He acted relieved, and said “Of course, that makes sense that you wouldn’t try to text me if you heard that. But I never said that to Will, how could I?” Smooth Talker in action. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe that my friend would lie about this and deprive me of my new crush. And once again, after his way with words, crooked smile, and booze-fueled advances, we ended up in my bed, with me down to my skivvies.
This time, I offered to drive him home. I did, after all, think there was a future with this guy. On our drive, he asked if I wanted to stop for coffee and breakfast. We stopped at a local coffee shop (he paid) and we had a nice little breakfast. While we were driving, we drove past the Pantages Theater. Some show was playing and he casually tossed out, “I’d really like to go see that soon." I naively thought that was a hint at an invitation to come. When we got to his place, we said our goodbyes but made no immediate plans (Red Flag #2). He gave me an awkward car-hug and said “Show me some love,” and pointed at his cheek. RED FLAG #3! Like who does that (besides Christian from Clueless, and we all know what his deal was)? I sheepishly gave him a peck on the cheek and drove off a little puzzled, but hopeful.
We texted a few times, but again made no plans. And eventually, the texts stopped completely. I finally had figured out that this guy was just a Smooth Talker who knew the tricks to get me right where he wanted me when it was convenient for him. If there are any guys reading this, my one plea is to please, please be honest and upfront. I would have had no problem with him never texting me or calling me after our first encounter. I mean, I didn’t even remember his name! But when you plant that seed, when you flat out LIE that you are interested when you aren’t, it’s just cruel.
We have seen each other in passing because, as it turns out, we have more than a few mutual friends and frequent the same bars. He always flirts and tries to charm his way back into my bed, but I finally learned that Smooth Talking and unending charm is all he has going for him. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…. well, you’re dead to me.
Beware the Smooth Talker, ladies and gents, because his words may tell you what you want to hear, but you’ll be left with a perplexed drive home and an empty inbox. Hollywood dating lesson learned.
"I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart” - Cartel