LABELED: The Russian Roulette of Dating by Greenest Qarth
So I met this guy, let’s call him Loop. Like any single woman living in NYC, I was on at least one (more like 5!) online dating service. It’s the norm for people of my generation who are too busy with work and/or incessantly preoccupied with our phones to notice other potential mates in real life.
Okay, back to Loop. First, we communicated through OK Cupid, sporadically sending and replying about a dozen messages. His profile seemed okay and he passed my online-dating-shadiness-detector test. I try to keep my expectations low and he seemed kind of cute and in shape from his profile. But it’s OK Cupid, which is like the Russian Roulette of dating, hit or miss…or awkward! Or maybe that’s just dating...
For convenience sake, Loop and I agreed to meet at a Dunkin Donuts. He didn't want to go to a bar or lounge or restaurant, which should have been the first red flag, but fine. I mean I did pick up on it and thought it was weird, but whatever. I figured I'd go there, get a chai, meet someone for pleasant (hopefully interesting) conversation, and call it a day.
I was apprehensive before the date, procrastinating, of course. But we made plans and I wasn’t going to stand him up. I am not the type to get nervous on a first date. Maybe back when I was an amateur, but I have learned that anxiety is pointless. On this particular occasion, I was a bit jaded because I was dating randoms/random usernames quite regularly.
Finally outside of Dunkin Donuts, I realized I could look through the window to see Loop before going in. After a covert scan of the three DD patrons, I saw this dude who had to be him...and OH MY GOD, WHAT A TRAIN WRECK!! My initial reaction was utter disappointment. One glance and I was not remotely attracted to this individual. Loop was broken out; I could tell by his blotchy face that it was a recurring issue. (Upon closer inspection of his strategically shaded black and white OK Cupid pictures, I could detect the acne.) Behold the magic of Photoshop; of course he looked WAY better online than in person! I considered canceling, but felt bad because he was already waiting for me. I always strive not to be a bitch! Besides, he might be decent and friend-worthy.
Loop was sitting with his coffee and laptop. I approached and said hello. From the start, everything about him was unpleasant. He said, "Hi. I just came here from work. I had to pull an all-nighter last night." And I was thinking why did he even bother making these plans functioning on no sleep. Wait…why did I go through with meeting Loop again? I mean up close he looked really BAD. Unhealthy bad. BO (body odor) bad! He had puffy bloodshot eyes, to match his puffy face, and I could tell that he was short and pudgy. Not to mention that he didn’t even stand up to greet me. Not a good start.
After a few minutes of conversation, it still wasn't going well. Loop talked of his (boring) interests, staying sober and avoiding places with alcohol, the good old days when he was very active and social and now doesn't get out much...really depressing stuff. It sounded like he had no life whatsoever. He mentioned an ex-girlfriend way too soon to bring that up. Perhaps it was to plant the seed that he might not actually be a virgin. Ick! Just the thought of him taking off his shirt disgusts me. Let alone imagining him engaging in the hot nasty. Loop asked if I wanted a drink, so I stood up and he didn't budge from his chair, much less offer to pay for my $3 beverage! What a chivalrous knight! I was getting quieter by the minute thinking how badly this was going. And it was getting worse by the minute!
Returning to the table with my vanilla chai, it occurred to me that I never had any luck with coffee dates. One long-ago relationship ended at a Starbucks, but my boyfriend was considerate – no, smart - enough to wait for me to finish my drink before he let me down. I would have at least liked the opportunity to spill my coffee on him if I deemed it fair and just. And he did deserve it.
Basically whatever Loop said, I (silently) completely disagreed. Plus, there was no connection. He told me he didn’t believe in marriage or monogamy and only wanted an "open relationship.” What the fuck was this guy talking about? Loop would be lucky if even one girl liked him! In a nasty tone, he asked if I had an opinion on the subject. When I replied, "No, I don't agree with you at all,” he blurted out, "This isn't going well, we should stop this now...let’s leave separately." I was shocked. Unless you are speed dating, dates typically last for at least 30 minutes, even the bad ones. In a way I felt rejected, which made the whole event worse, and I didn’t know that was possible! Feeling equal parts relief and disgust, I ran out of that godforsaken Dunkin Donuts like a bat out of hell with my chai and didn’t look back! My drink was still hot so I savored the sweetness as I attempted to shrug off the AWFUL that was my 15-minute date with Loop the Poop.